'AWNIOGO': KIDSGROVE (A)

Saturday, August 5

Kidsgrove, as you have doubtless already worked out in your valuable spare time, is an anagram of SKIVER DOG, which is exactly what I felt like being on yet another steaming hot day [“I don’t know, these cricketers are a bunch of whining old goats. They complain when it’s raining, so I give them a bit of bloody sunshine, and they still moan” – God]. But then I started to think about what makes cricket the magnificent game that it is, a game in which the various attributes of determination, concentration, coordination, touch, strength, speed, agility, stamina, strategy and cunning are all completely unimportant as long as you can hold your ale and tell an anecdote or two about the time you scored 76 not out against Wes Hall on a minefield when he was bowling off 16 yards and you had cholera, a broken bat and blurred vision. So when I had given everything careful consideration, I decided to play.

Addo, Wayne and I pitched up in the Saab at 1.30 and whilst we were having a rather informal knock-up on Kidsgrove’s dangerously rough outfield, word got around that Stefan Read had a knee injury and they had recruited Northamptonshire’s Mark Bowen as stand-in professional. This would probably have worried us if we knew what he did. We would find out soon enough, though, as Addo lost the toss and we were asked to bat on a wicket that looked like John Moore’s hairstyle: the top had gone! However, the game was started five minutes late – due not to any sudden climatic change, but because Kidsgrove had no stumps! This was particularly ironic given the fact that there was a notice proudly displayed in front of the pavilion that read: Today’s match sponsor is P & L Joiners. 

Jeremy Snape

Anyway, once some stumps had been located, and after Addo had had the screens moved about a dozen times, the game was finally underway, with Bowen taking the new cherry. First impressions, from the safety of the non-striker’s end (“best place play ‘em,” Sir Geoffrey would tell you), were that he was quite nippy. He should have had Addo caught behind in the first over but the chance went down. With the wicket looking like it would break up, I called for the lid and prepared for some graft. Addo was struggling to time the ball and, after taking a thud in the ribcage (with the squeal of pain emitted before the ball had actually made contact), he let frustration get the better of him and chipped an easy catch to cover. Harv came in and got his head down, as we took the score to 65 before I was smartly caught and bowled by Fairbanks, the offie (like Kidsgrove’s most famous ex-player, Jeremy Snape). As always, it was disappointing to get out after doing most of the hard work but it was a mistake on my part and, rather ominously, the track was actually playing easier for our incoming batsmen.

Harv fell two overs later to leave us on 75 for 3, but Mauler and Seth batted extremely well in adding 70 for the fourth wicket. This partnership was particularly important for Iain Carr, due in next. Billy hadn’t realized this, and was sat kissing and cuddling with Bernadette, wearing nothing but shorts, shades and a smile when at the very least a box and thigh-pad is customary. John’s innings was, unusually, carefully constructed and he swept the heart out of Leese and Fairbanks on his way to a useful score of 33. While watching John’s innings, I had turned to Darren Carr and invited him to “come into the woods a minute; I’ve got something to show you”. Naturally, he was gutted when it only turned out to be the disused railway tunnel in which Kidsgrove’s infamous serial killer, Donald Neilson, aka the Black Panther, was reputed to have ensconced himself following the murder of Lesley Whittle in 1975. Then again, being a medical student, I suppose Dazzra quite enjoys peering into dark tunnels. 

tunnel under Kidsgrove's ground

Back at the cricket, Cokey had been sent in for a flirt but only made 11 before Bowen removed his off-stump. “Too quick for me, Bud” was the Cokester’s matter-of-fact verdict. So, with half an hour remaining before tea we needed some quick runs, yet couldn’t really afford to lose wickets. As Iain Carr walked out to bat with the game nicely poised Bowen was probably thinking about picking up a few wickets on the cheap. However, this Moddershall side is like a Manx cat: it doesn’t have a tail. Bowen got blazed for 33 runs in his last 5 overs as Billy started swinging the bat and Seth moved towards an invaluable half-century. 

By the interval our opponents had only managed to bowl 48 overs and whilst our score of 215 for 5 was good, it fell short of an ideal declaration figure. However, we had to give ourselves enough time to bowl out a Kidsgrovc team that bats a lot better than it bowls. During tea, most of the talk was centred on how the track was playing. Compared to last week’s wicket at Betley, it was a minefield. Graham Hawkins, our groundsman extraordinaire, was very impressed with the condition of Betley’s square but Addo, recalling the not-too-distant past, told Graham that Betley had had some problems a few seasons ago.

“Problems?” asked Graham. “What sort of problems?”

“They had some disease or other on the square. Alzheimer’s Disease, I think” replied Addo.

“Don’t you mean Fusarium disease?” enquired a bemused Mr. Hawkins.

“That’s the one”, affirmed Addo, blushing. 

fusarium

Tea was nearly extended by ten minutes when Stan ‘low profile’ Trafford insisted that he should be informed of our declaration by the captain in person, but common sense prevailed and we took to the field punctually and fully revved-up. Despite the short boundaries, improving track, generous target and strong Kidsgrove batting we had to think we had every chance of winning.

However, things couldn’t have gone much worse at the start of Kidsgrove’s reply: after only 8 overs we had used five different bowlers, none of whom had taken a wicket, and conceded 54 runs. Andy Hawkins started the rot. He had bowled only two balls (a long-hop that was pulled for four and a very wide wide) before coming off complaining of a sore toe. I suspected that the problem was exacerbated by another loss of confidence in his run-up and release, similar to last season. This match encapsulated the two sides of Hawky. Having played a brilliant, authoritative innings under pressure you might suppose that this success would have a positive effect on his bowling. However, confidence is a much more mysterious beast than that and the two disciplines of batting and bowling require their own, distinct pools of the stuff. At such an important phase of the season we desperately needed all parts of the machine to be functioning correctly, and Seth’s bowling was crucial to our chances and it was very much hoped that he could overcome this crisis as quickly as possible. Anyway, Andy’s aborted over was completed by Iain Carr who clearly struggled with the enormous foothole created by Bowen earlier, and bowled too short at Wellings who was merciless. Cokey tried his luck but he also couldn’t control his length and was replaced by Addo after conceding 17 runs in two overs.

After an hour’s batting the two Daves – Leese and Wellings – had taken the score to 67, at which point Darren Carr was introduced from the Pavilion End in place of Mauler, who had bust a gut without reward. His third ball spun sharply and bowled the dangerous Wellings middle-stump as he attempted to cut, a crucial breakthrough as Wellings had been batting ominously well, crashing 10 fours in his 42. His demise brought Johnston to the crease, but Dazzra soon hutched him up to leave Kidsgrove on 89 for 2. The game was back in the balance. 

Neilson

While Darren was bowling quite well, Addo plugged away from the other end. On a surface that appeared perfect for him to do some damage, the pro turned in a hugely under-par performance and struggled to get the ball to spin from a threatening line and length. He was convinced that he was bowling from the Wrong End, but couldn’t swap with Darren due to the short leg-side boundary. 

Bowen and Leese began the last 20 overs needing only 104 runs for victory and, consequently, we were forced on the defensive. Despite our change of tactics, they kept well up with the asking rate and ten overs from the end they still required less than a run-a-ball. Leese eventually reached his half-century having faced 122 balls, receiving good support from Bowen who, although limited, swept and off-drove well to maintain the run rate. We stuck to our task and managed to bowl a couple of tight overs that applied a bit of pressure and brought about the dismissal of Bowen, bowled by Addo as he attempted to slog-sweep. Leese should also have perished when Darren cleverly slipped the ball down the leg-side as he spotted the batsman giving him the charge. Sadly, I completely missed the ball and the opportunity went begging. I was guilty of losing my concentration at a crucial time and this missed chance was the nadir of what was by far my worst performance of the season behind the stumps. 

'Spyder' Stanyer with Yuvraj Singh

The fall of Bowen brought in Kidsgrove’s captain, Gary Stanyer, and he was involved in the game’s most controversial incident. Having only scored a single, he tried to sweep Addo but misjudged the line allowing the ball to sneak through to the leg-stump. Having dislodged the bails, the ball ricocheted on to my thigh and back on to the stumps. Stanyer stood his ground. The umpire at the bowler’s end, Roy Shallcross, consulted Stan Trafford at square-leg and then gave the batsman not out. The rejection of the appeal therefore implied that I had removed the bail myself. It was an incredible decision. We were furious. 

Only two balls later, Shallcross was again at the centre of things when Andy Hawkins’ attempt to run Stanyer out at the non-striker’s end almost decapitated him as he belatedly moved out of the way. The throw did knock Addo’s sun hat from Shallcross’ head but thankfully didn’t injure him. It was obviously a genuine attempt to take a wicket, but Stan Trafford could not resist over-playing the situation and he melodramatically turned to Hawky and told him to “calm down”. Far from being a constructive or appropriate piece of advice, this only served to inflame a situation that was under control and was typical of an overbearing, attention-seeking official. 

Harvey and Oliver on opposing sides, 2010

In the following over, Stanyer hit Darren Carr for consecutive sixes which effectively sealed their win, by which point we were, to a man, seething with resentment. Even the usually placid Harv allowed his emotions to get the better of him as he bellowed an appeal for lbw from square-leg to which Stan Trafford responded “not out…I expected better of you Richard”.

Dave Leese hit the first ball of the penultimate over to the boundary to rubber-stamp the victory. As we left the field, Andy Hawkins, having congratulated Leese on an excellent knock, approached Stanyer to give him a piece of his mind. “You’re a f***ing cheat, Stanyer. You were a cheat in the Kidsgrove League and you’re still a cheat now”. Needless to say, they didn’t continue their conversation over a pint afterwards. 

This defeat put us back into third place, 23 points behind the leaders Bignall End who chalked up their sixth consecutive victory by bowling Nantwich out for 92. However, we still had all the top sides to play so our destiny remained in our own hands. As for Kidsgrove, well, as was pointed out by Darren afterwards in an attempt to pick us up “they only won this game thanks to our positive declaration, something that Gary Stanyer wouldn’t consider doing in a Sunday friendly”. Regarding the question that Stanyer snidely asked whilst sarcastically applauding us off the field – “Where are you in the league now?” – then the best answer was: 53 points in front of you!

MODDERSHALL LOST BY 7 WICKETS

MODDERSHALL 215 for 5 dec. (48 overs)

A Hawkins 55*, R Harvey 33, J Myatt 3

KIDSGROVE 219 for 3 (43.1 overs)

D Leese 82*, D Wellings 42, M Bowen 35

MODDERSHALL 6 points

KIDSGROVE 20 points